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Oscillation upon the pavement's Journal  I was going to update this journal after halloween and write a nice entry about it. But for those who cared I already told them about it, so it is in the archives oh future archivists. Basically I drank too much and ended up throwing up and crying out for george bailey to save me. Which if you think about it, psychologically speaking, it is pretty fucked up. So now my late night problem deals with this: how do we determine how to live? what is important to us as individuals? If I could figure out how to live I wouldn't have to ask the question as I'd already know the answer. It is more so a question of what is important to me. I don't know how to figure that out. To quote Frankfurt, " Formulating a criterion of importance presupposes possession of the very criterion that is to be formulated. The circularity is both inescapable and fatal." He goes on to write much more about that and how reason alone cannot bring us to any meaningful ends ( or i might be wrong I need to re-read his work on "the Reasons of love" ), but for him his arguments end in having something external to yourself to love. Whether it is a person, ideal, or some deity, or anything else at all really. Just something that you care about and can presuppose any of your own drives towards fulfilling the needs of the thing you love, or acting out of love for this person / thing and in turn figuring out what is important to them. I guess that might end in a reducto ad suridum too, but eh late night rant. Still doesn't solve the problem of figuring out what is important though. So what is? I have a job. An apartment. I have things. I lack myself since I've made myself unknown, or at least i've become so bland as to not have any discernible personality at all. I can't remember what I used to care about or why, even more so why any of it mattered, all those struggles in the past. Now I just find myself either at work or with free time. With my free time I do not know how to conduct myself, as there is essentially nothing important for me to do / nothing I want to do. With work, it is mechanical. I'm a programing machine and when in the confines of the work place I know my position and function in all office dealings. I know how to get things done and not think, just do. Maybe I'm just a robot after all. I wish the invisibles were real. Such a fantastic graphic novel series. Probably the best I've read since Preacher. I guess the problem is everything ends, and I have no end of my own. Where is Clarance and Mary when you need them eh? 1:00:12 AM) Babblin Joe: i guess in the end im just mad at myself for being wrong all over again (1:00:45 AM) Babblin Joe: see marc external factors dont hurt me (1:00:46 AM) Babblin Joe: i hurt myself (1:03:17 AM) Marcramhim: don't be mad at being wrong - you got a lot out of this situation (1:03:31 AM) Babblin Joe: i guess (1:03:36 AM) Babblin Joe: ugh (1:03:41 AM) Babblin Joe: you know i just always hate my life (1:03:43 AM) Babblin Joe: no matter what (1:03:51 AM) Babblin Joe: sucess or failure (1:06:28 AM) Marcramhim: i'm the last one to give advice, but maybe you should approach things with no or neutral expectations and just live in the present moment? (1:07:01 AM) Babblin Joe: but i hate the present (1:07:10 AM) Babblin Joe: and i cant stand the past (1:07:14 AM) Babblin Joe: all i have left is the future (1:07:17 AM) Babblin Joe: and so far the future sucks (1:09:43 AM) Marcramhim: you hate the present because you actually conceive it as being a contigent to the future, you're not separating the two..if you can change the present at will, then why would someone hate it? (1:09:57 AM) Babblin Joe: b/c it is boring (1:09:59 AM) Babblin Joe: and im lonely (1:10:02 AM) Babblin Joe: that is the present (1:10:04 AM) Babblin Joe: lonely boredom (1:10:10 AM) Babblin Joe: that stretches out into eternity Tired of waiting to see her again, I took Sammy's advice and bought Omega a plane ticket to L.A.! We talked about it and she is super excited to come visit. Besides what is money for other than to spend on girls to visit me cross country? One off the benefits of escaping poverty I suppose. She's coming in nov, so now we just have to plan an epic week together. I'll keep you updated. Not only about my past, but about myself. I had forgotten how things were in that house. I also had forgotten a good friend I had lost along the way. This weekend was pretty amazing. Not so much for the wedding, that was an after thought. What was amazing was going home and realizing how much I had grown since I left. What was amazing was how Omega really was the perfect wedding date, shielding me from the ugliness that is my family, while at the same time supporting me with the awkwardness of seeing my father again for the first time in eight years. I really do love that girl, in a way I don't know how to describe. As much as I can't stand the east coast, I would have stuck around a few more days to hang out with her. I had planned for everything on my trip, except for the unlikely possibility of having a good time. If i had known that I would have taken more vacation time off. Visiting new york again reminded me of all the reasons i both loved and hated the city, with its decrepit buildings, but endless source of people. In L.A. it seems nothing older than 25 years is allowed to stay in this town, buildings or people. Everything is new and sterilized and spread out. NYC in almost claustrophobic in its opposite nature, with the brief respite of a patch of green here and there. All I can say of the east coast, it is nice to visit, but I belong here now. For good or worse, my calling is in this infernal city. Whether it is programmer or writer or something else, it is unknown, but this is where I have to be now. Everything has lead up to this. I just have to give it my all and see how things work out. Every year things get stranger than the last. I would have never believed in the life I am now living. I'm certain the same will be true of my life, 1, 2, 5 or how ever many years in the future. I'll just remain optimistic for the meanwhile, but for the grace of god. My trip to the book store: jumpers -- tom stoppard The Reasons of Love -- Frankfurt The Plays of Anton Checkhov -- translated by Paul Schmidt I'm such a bourgeois elitist it isn't even debatable. also the grove in l.a. was a pleasant enough place to hang about in, if only i had some people to wander it with. I probably should have taken Dan there when he was here. I find myself there again. I've reached the end of my journey and trials for now and I lack a direction, a purpose, and a passion. I'm spiritually barren. I can see the paths ahead of me or others I could take and I find no path that i'd like to pursue, for at the end of them all I never see myself happy. That is the question then, what in essence makes me happy, and I don't mean short term. What is there in this world that can provide me with a sense of purpose and direction so I can go to bed each night fulfilled and know my place in the world? I don't know. All I know is i'm in a state of transition. But agoraphobia and reckless abandon of my well being, those are the bi-polar states I fluctuate between. I shelter my fragile self from the world at home and at work, and then in my spare time I find new ways and new people to help me destroy all it is that I've worked so hard to obtain. It is so hard to know what to do when that decision is entirely your own. I almost wish I could be happy with someone else's choice, but despotism only leads to rebellion and bloodshed. For now the waters are calm and I'm secure. So of course I need to find a new way to undo all this ease I've put myself at. I guess the problem is i'm so sick of myself I'm tired of trying to figure out what it is I want any more, I want my want of wanting to be over. I just want this, all this, how I feel, how I live, ...to just be over. I feel i've lost mine these days. I have nothing i'm striving towards and really nothing I'm running from any more. I'm just stuck in a patch of dead sea. I just need to chose a direction before one finds me. Ugh. Marc says I'm just never happy no matter what, regardless. Maybe he's right. Or maybe i'm just too used to the extremes I can't handle the middles any more. I either have to be deliriously happy or maddeningly sad, the norms of everday life can no longer penetrate my stoic ways. So until I find my delirium again, it is malaise I suppose. I always knew success would ruin me. Good thing it is only a moderate one, a spectacular one would make me beyond worthless, and worse yet, dull dinner conversation. Great movie. Some of the words were so true in it and painful i literally cringed, and it reminded me of all those horrible conversations you have when you're seeing someone...and when they chose those words, those words you know they know, and they know have the power to just destroy a man. Seriously probably one of the best lines from the movie, completely out of context but here it is: "Why did you dance with me at the wedding then?" "Because I wanted to." "You always just do whatever it is you want, don't you?" bad paraphrase, but the one phrase, "because I wanted to" it just kills me a little on the inside when I hear Zooey say that. Still good movie. It would have what the greeks called catharsis. I could use one of those these days. I joined the gym! gah! my life is really over now. I guess it is time to get back into shape once again. Give me a year, then ladies of L.A. watch out. I'll still be sitting at home on my computer, but at least now I'll be in shape, ah ha! see you in azeroth. One day i'll hit that bottom i've been barreling towards, maybe then I'll finally snap out of it. Until then, fuck it, time to cast some spells and forget about my life for as long as it takes to forget. |
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